Justin Trudeau, Superstoopid Star

Maclean's magazine reports that it's looking good for Justin Trudeau's bid to become Canada's next prime minister. Oh, not because he's a brainiac--like previous Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff--or because he's an eco-geek--like Iggy's predecessor (who, alas from a communications standpoint, was hobbled by a French accent as thick as Antarctic ice when speaking in English). No, if Justin wins--and his handlers are positively giddy over the prospect of a Trudeau victory--it will be because he "is very, very saleable," and has been successfully "sold" to Harper-loathing low information voters in general, and silly, low-information chick voters in particular.

With apologies to Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice, here's my response to the dreadful but very real possibility that Justin could possibly command:

JT Superstoopid Star, The Theme Song
 
Every time we look at you, huzzah and amen,
You're our ticket back into the big time again.
Iggy, that old stiff, he may have been a huge smartie
But smarts did not kick-start our mostly moribund party.
In Canada today the social media's kickin'
And we know how to hand 'em a historical lickin'...
 
Justin T., Justin T.,
He'll make 'em swoon,
Just you wait and see.
Justin T., Stoopid Star.
He's got great hair and he'll go real far...
 
 
A Prospective "Win a Date With Justin Trudeau" Justin-Soxer Swoongs (i.e. swoons while singing):
 
I know just how to love him.
How to vote, 'cuz he moves me.
Love his smiles.
Like Harry Styles'.
And although I know he's married to
His wife (her name's Sophie),
He could love me.
 
I know I have to meet him.
Win a date just to greet him.
We'll wine and dine.
Pretend he's mine.
And now politics are sexy like
They've never been before,
And I want more.
 
Should I swoon and drool?
"Tweet" that he's my guy?
Can I win his heart?
Should I even try?
I never thought we could chat and sup.
Justin--pucker up!...

 
A Justin Naysayer Sings:
 
So if you're Justin T.
Walk on water for me.
Prove that you're the real McCoy
And not some vapid pretty boy.
That's all you need do
But, lad, you haven't a clue.
Do you, King of the Libs?...

So please tell me again
That you'll be the P.M.
Think that you can lead the scene?
You used to be a drama queen!
If you have what it takes
I'll go jump in some lakes.
Gag me, King of the Libs...