Gerry's Bathroom Zionhass

I have read more than a few examples of what I would call obnoxious Zionhass in the Globe and Mail in the past few years. But nothing--and I mean nothing--comes close to this putrid blob of fecal matter deposited on the op-ed page by NDP bagman/Israel-despiser Gerald Caplan:

The Harper government's torrid love affair with the self-proclaimed leaders of Canadian Jewry is about to reach a new plateau. Rumors circulating throughout Ottawa indicate that a pointed observation made by one of the government's star appointees has prompted a new initiative to augment Harper's existing strategies to woo Jewish votes.

As reported in several columns in this space, first is Harper's unconditional embrace of the present extreme right-wing Israeli government. Second is the Harper government's insistence that anyone who dares criticize the Israeli government is guilty of anti-Semitism (it's not yet clear if this applies to the Israeli government's many Israeli critics). Third is Stephen Harper's direct attack on Canadian organizations that dare say a sympathetic word about Palestinians.

Now, I'm told, the Harper government will be adding a bold new element. It will speak to the shameful truth that a surprisingly large number of Canadian organizations have been functioning without enough Jews on staff. Some actually seem to have none at all. That is about to change.

The first penalty for those who fail to meet this new test of True Canadianism Strong and Free has, in fact, already been handed out. It began in Montreal with an international human rights group known as Rights and Democracy. It emerges, to the shock of most Canadians and the outrage of much of the Third World, that Rights and Democracy failed to have a single person of the Jewish persuasion on its staff.

Rights and Democracy had begun to vex the Prime Minister because it thought Palestinians should have the same rights as all other people. Mr. Harper appointed three new board members who were committed to end this heretical nonsense. One of those appointees, Jacques Gauthier, became interim president of the board. Mr. Gauthier's credentials include a doctoral thesis arguing that Jerusalem belongs to the Jews by international law. This may not speak well for the level of PhDs but made him kosher to the Conservatives.

In a confidential evaluation of the organization's late executive director, Mr. Gauthier pointedly noted the perhaps telltale absence of Jews on staff, apparently a serious dereliction of duty.

“How many Jews must your average mosque or Hindu temple or church employ to meet the government's new Jewish criteria? ”

How Mr. Gauthier learned that no Jew was employed by R & D is not yet clear. Suspiciously enough, R & D does not ask the religion of its employees. Often in the past Jewishness has been established by what's discreetly called the urinal test, although this technique doesn't really apply to women while also failing to distinguish telltale characteristics among Muslims, Jews and certain African ethnic groups. Mr. Gauthier brought a private investigator into the R & D office last year, although he was introduced as "a business associate" and his function wasn't explained. Bitter R & D staff, believe the stranger was expected to lead the urinal patrol in order to determine Jewishness. Isn't that what a private eye is for?...

Yes, watch out, Canucks! That stealthy, supernaturally powerful Zionlobby is taking over. And if you want to show your Jewish, er, bona fides, you're going to have to drop your pants for "urinal patrol" (which I hear pays at least as well as a gig with a "human rights" commission). My letter:

As a Jew, I’m delighted to hear, courtesy Gerald Caplan, that the services of my people are suddenly in great demand due to our having managed to bewitch the Harper Tories. Why, I haven’t felt so good about Jewish job opportunities since I read in The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, of which Mr. Caplan’s revelations are eerily reminiscent, that a bunch of Jewish geezers had gotten together to figure out how to run everything.

As far as I can tell, the primary difference between Mr. Caplan’s observations and The Protocols is that the latter makes no mention of anyone having to drop their pants “for urinal patrol” so those in charge can ascertain who is--and who isn’t--ahem, “qualified” for all the “Jewish” jobs. How delightfully earthy, in a Der Sturmer sort of way, to read such an assertion in the pages of the Globe and Mail.

It just goes to show--you can always count on a Socialist Jewish academic to crap all over his own.

Update: Apparently Gerald's shtick was supposed to be a "satire"--at least, that's according to a disclaimer in the G&M. I find that somewhat hard to swallow, since the following is a sample of Gerry's musings that appeared last year in Maclean's:

Why is Harper such a troubled man? Why are those who disagree with him enemies, not opponents? No one has a clue what’s eating him deep down. He’s not a small-town nobody as Mike Harris had been. He wasn’t an outsider in his own universe the way Richard Nixon was. He seems to have had a happy, typically middle-class upbringing. In fact, he grew up one of the luckiest human beings on earth, with privileges that only a fraction of humankind has ever enjoyed, and has remained lucky and privileged ever since. Yet he’s such an angry man.

Stephen Harper seems incapable of suppressing resentments that are unfathomable to the rest of us but that lead him to the most outrageous and self-destructive partisanship. His dismissal of socialists and separatists is just conservative boiler-plate. But his loathing of liberals/Liberals surpasses all understanding. No doubt he is a very smart man about some things. But for such a smart man he sure does some troubling things.

Oh, Gerry, you're such a card. Your Harper "satire" cracks me up!

What's that? It wasn't "satire"? Sorry. Without the disclaimer it's so hard to tell.

Update: More Caplan "satire"

Update: Here's Ezra Levant's blog post about "old NDP hack" Caplan's G&M "satire".