Due to repeated and ever more ingenious attempts to bring down large aircraft carrying infidels, all air travelers in the year 2012 must have an MRI prior to boarding. Further, they are legally required to keep their arms on their arm rests and their eyes staring straight ahead at the seat in front of them for the duration of the flight.
Also, you are no longer allowed to travel with any luggage--checked or unchecked. You'll just have to buy what you need once you get to your destination, and discard it prior to your return flight. And to ensure you aren't packing any explosives in your unmentionables, everyone must fly as nekkid as the day you were born.
Hey, better safe than sorry, right?