Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Morning After the 'Nightmare'

Kelly McParland, tongue planted firmly in cheek, surveys the "debacle" from the elites' p.o.v..:
...It couldn’t be true. Rob Ford, Mr. Double-Double, a guy who never met a cruller he didn’t like, had pulled it off. The man got himself elected mayor. All those angry suburbanites, the ones who were supposed to complain a lot but skip the actual process of voting, had turned up en masse and put the guy in office.
For Toronto’s urban sophisticates, it was a wipe-out. Total repudiation. Worse than the time they ran out of well-oaked chardonnay at Vintages. What are they supposed to do now, move to Calgary? Buy a leaf blower, for Chrissake? Any day now they’ll be erecting barriers at Pusateri’s, checking IDs. No one gets in without a credit card from Home Depot.

Wearily they munched their almond biscottis and totted up the devastation. Someone would have to contact the holistic, non-profit communal bike-sharing project and warn them the grand opening, scheduled for January, would be delayed.

Expansion of the rooftop lawn at City Hall would have to be put on ice, construction of the solar-powered arboretum delayed, shipments of biodegradable, non-toxic, soy-based weed control returned to the dealer. Oh, just keep the bloody deposit. Might as well just buy some mums at Costco and stick them in the lobby, like they do in Mississauga where that … woman… was re-elected once again. How old is she now, 300?...
Actually, she's but a mere 89 years young.

For non-Torontonians, a glossary may be helpful:
  • Vintages is the fancy-shmancy division of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, a place where yer regular plonk is vino non grata.
  • Pusateri's is a chain of high-priced grocery/perpared foods stores where members of the elite who have mucho disposable income like to, um, dispose of it.